Our Infertility Journey BP#3

I thought it had been a hot minute for my school update, but it really has been a steaming hot minute for my infertility update! Sorry about that, but as I mentioned in my last blog post about graduate school taking up so much time I have not gotten a chance to sit down and write on here. I do write in my journals (yes, that is plural lol) more frequently than I do on here. Those are more private but I will share some secrets today 😉    P.S. I should be doing homework right now shhh…..

So, where to begin…

I believe I left off before when talking about our first appointment at the fertility clinic along with my thoughts and feelings about that. There have been many thoughts and feelings since. Ones that I am unsure there are words for or that I could possible explain with words. There was ups and downs to our first actual fertility appointment. Mind you we have done 4 rounds of clomid with my Ob/gyn in 2015. We waited longer than we should have or at least that is what I have been thinking recently.

This might be too long to be made into one blog post!

We had our appointment August 24th, 2017. This was our initial appointment and we had no clue what to expect. It started off with a nervous wait in the waiting room. Then we was called back to talk about insurance then we was handed off to the nurse. She got both our weights, BP, etc. all those fun things. Then we went into the doctors actual office to sit down and talk. Let’s talk about awkward. He is a little on the odd side for sure, but we know those who have used him before so we was giving him a shot. He did not have very good ‘bedside’ manners as some calls it for my first visit. I hate having to explain the past 8 years of complications I have had to a new doctor, it is the worst. Thankfully, my husband was there beside me and took the reigns when I couldn’t. I’m giving you the shortened version of this, trust me. After an exam, him telling us I have to have this long list of tests done for the next five weeks, my husband giving a sample of his sperm, and finally making it to the lab to give blood.

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I didn’t upload them filled with blood for the squeamish ones lol

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These were all the blood tests ordered fo rjust me

I also had my first day of school for two of my classes this day and literally walked in totally unprepared and right on time, which is not like me at all. To say I was stressed was an understatement.

Anyway, we technically go back around the 18th of September for the full results and the doctors diagnoses from the ultrasounds and blood work. But I can say that with my psychology background, I can research. I looked up all the test to find out what they were and what they was testing with it then when my numbers came in online I compared what was considered normal for my age and compared. There are some that are low and some that are high. I was scared reading about them so that appointment cannot get here soon enough.

Also, I don’t think I mentioned that my doctors office has everything online which is pretty cool and also a pain lol.

He prescribed me Provera (a form of progesterone) so that I could start a period since I am unable on my own. I took that for ten days then had to go in for more blood work and an Antral Follicle Count (AFC) ultrasound on September 8th to see how many follicles I had on each of my ovaries. I had 13 on my right ovary and 10 on my left. From my research that is low for my age. This worries me and makes me want the results from the blood work even more. The blood work was for my Ovarian Assessment Report (OAR) that had to be done between days 2-4 of my cycle. This test will look at my ovulatory egg supply. All of these tests will ultimately give me a diagnoses and tell us our chances of conceiving.

I am not going to go into detail on my husbands semen analysis as that is his privacy.

From here comes the saline ultrasound or known as a SIS. This is supposed to be done on days 7-10. This is what I am waiting to hear back from the nurse to see when I need to drive the two hours again and hoping that I have someone who is able to come along. That drive gets lonely af. My husband is gone at work for two weeks at a time so that is why he is not able to come with me this time.

Well, I think I have talked your ear off enough for the time being. I am going to get some shut eye before I have to go get new tires for my Jeep in the morning. Then the dentist& school Tuesday. School Thursday as well and the SIS ultrasound somewhere in there. Help? Does anyone have a time machine? I just need a pause button. And a fast forward. And a rewind. Never mind.

❤ B

 

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College Talk #4

Hey guys!

So, it has been a hot minute…or two! Life has been super busy since school started! There has not been much time for anything anymore, especially down time! School is in full swing now, with assignments beginning to be due! I have to say this semester feels different. I’m not sure why or if it is just a part of the process but man it does! My cohort and I have talked about how weird it feels to be called the ‘second years’ in our counseling program. It seems like just yesterday it was our first day of grad school! Now, we are seeing these new faces coming in and them having no clue what lies ahead. muahhh <- our evil laugh lol But in all seriousness, we are so proud of ourselves for making it this far in the program and are starting to think about graduation already! seems unreal that it is actually in the near future.

Classes themselves have been going good or as to be expected for the beginning of the semester. I know one thing that is completely different than undergrad or the first semester of grad school, there is no more nerves walking into the classrooms! Mostly, because I know everyone in there including the professors. I didn’t think twice about walking in there and sitting down, I was just ready to get this started. My marriage and family class has started off boring in a way to be honest. Nothing has caught my attention yet, plus there has been tons of reading so far! My lifespan development class has had a lot of material as well but I thoroughly enjoy this subject so it is no biggy for me! Group has been the most interesting class of all for sure. We have readings and assignments to do like the other classes but we have to have 10 hours of actual group therapy within the 9 people that are in the class. Have I mentioned that they spilt our cohort up into tiny sections after the first year 😦 were sad about this! Anyway, I am not at liberty to say what happens in group but it has started off heavy and I am interested to see where it goes from here. And last but certainly not least, Practicum I! We have mostly went over paperwork the first few days of class and I start seeing clients the 8th week of class which is…holy crap four weeks from now! How is time flying so fast!!

Wow, I have got to get on the ball and get ahead in my other classes so I can focus on my clients and the paper work that comes with that. It is definitely a lot to handle and with driving to the fertility clinic (I’ll update on that in my next post, promise!) taking care of the animals here at our mini farm as I like to call it (lol) At least the garden is finished for the winter, it was sometimes a hassle to make sure everything was done around here before dark. Let’s get off that rabbit trail…it has been hard balancing everything that comes along with life in general and graduate school. I recently thought about trying to get a part time job to help us out with our treatments and all the traveling we do but I think it is unrealistic with everything that I need to be available for at a moments notice. Plus, the prac II/ internship fair (IDK what it is called) is coming up the 28th of this month and that will shine some light on where I will be in the spring for prac II and the rest of next year for my internship! That I am super duper nervous about!

I am not sure what else needs to be updated on through school. There is so many things that I am unable to talk about due to confidentiality. I have thought about making post about specific things, for example the organization I am in and the events that we are doing this semester. Or about my journey to my theoretical orientation. Maybe just stuff about psychology/counseling in general. Not quite sure yet. But until then, I hope your school year is starting off great!

Oh, and my sister started high school this year. I am officially OLD.

Thank you for reading!

B

College Talk #3 School Starts!

Fall 2017 Semester Has Commenced! 

As you can tell by the title, my 4th semester of graduate school has begun! I am a mix of excited/nervous/dreading. I am excited to complete another semester and get closer to graduation but am nervous as I mentioned before about counseling undergraduate students for the first time, then there is the ultimate dread of classes, homework, and the drive to school. Ugh! But we all have to do things we don’t like in order to get where we are going.

One thing I can say was not fun about this semester so far is books! It was by far the most expensive purchase I have ever made for one semester in school! If all books were bought as is (used or new, however they had them), it was going to be approx. $628! For 5 books. And let me just say, some of these books are tiny! I ended up price matching with B&N and only getting these four right now for $365.IMG_5557And you can see my Oscar in the background lol, he has been my buddy for 6 years now. We also call him Ozzy and my old man 🙂

There is one missing and that is because it was $233 by itself and I want to wait until actual class tomorrow night before I buy it. I know most argue that buying them is a waste of money, and I never bought one book in undergrad. Regret. I also regret not buying every book for my first semester of grad school. I think it is important to buy the graduate level books because these are professional books. Unlike undergraduate, graduate school is the stepping stone to becoming a professional. And having resources to fall back on is imperative. Also, another random word of advice, KEEP your syllabi! You never know when you might need them. I personally have a jump drive dedicated to just school (undergraduate&graduate) and files for each semester in their own folders.

I am waiting for PowerPoints for my one online class to download right now. I have always enjoyed online classes because I have always had to drive far for college. They are more work than a face-to-face class for sure! But there are pros and cons to each.

I have been baking for hours! I have made homemade chocolate chip cookies and zucchini bread (with fresh eggs from my chickens and fresh zucchini from my garden!) for all counseling graduate student’s first day back tomorrow. The organization I am the secretary in is who is hosting it. There will be coffee, hot chocolate, and goodies! I only have one class from 7:20 pm until 10pm (Hopefully it won’t last that long the first day)IMG_5559.jpg

Sorry to make you hungry! 🙂

It is late and I need a shower and bed before tomorrow actually starts. Wish me luck and remember it can always be worse than it is right now. I will update on college later this week after I have had all of my classes. I will be posting an infertility update soon as my appointment is Thursday!

Thank you for reading.

B

College Talk #2-Fall 2017

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This is my planner! ❤ I am starting my forth semester of graduate school in less than a week! Hard to believe for sure, especially after thinking I wasn’t going to make it the first one. I have this fall semester and then the spring left of actual classes, then it is off to internship! Yikes! That sounds scary to me right now, hopefully it wont when the time comes.

The one thing that does keep me going to this college and continuing with this program is the people I have met throughout the process. I have best friends now that I never thought I would have by going to school. These are friends that I will have for a long time. I seriously have met so many individuals that have not only taught me so many things but have also been here for me like no one else. If someone needs help or someone is behind, you guarantee that our cohort will be here for them to help in any way possible. Our motto has been ‘We’re in this together’.

I had previously heard before attending graduate school that it was not like undergrad, in the sense that it was competitive because there are only so many spots and they hand pick you etc. That has not been the case with our group. We have stuck together through thick and thin with this program. When a professor gave so many papers to be due within two weeks, we were there for each other with motivation and that person to vent to when you thought you couldn’t do it. Sometimes I think this might be the case too because we are counseling majors. Most of the cohort is very positive psychology if not that then very determined. I admit that we all have to be to be in this program.

My Schedule!

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My classes are as follows: Marriage & Family Counseling, Practicum I, Advanced Life Span Psychology & Adjustment, and Group Process. As you can see these classes are at night time. This is so draining for me because I drive two hours there and two hours back. Did I mention I live in a very small town? With only a community college… Anyways, this becomes a hassle when there are other activities going on that I need to leave early for. An example is that I am the secretary of a graduate organization and we have monthly meetings and events that I attend. The driving, plus extra stuff, plus home life like bills & dogs(I’m going to do a post about them soon!), and then there is the homework, (ugh does fall reallly have to start?!) Let’s just say it can get chaotic.

I wanted to make this post to talk about my up coming classes. That, if I’m being honest, I’m freaking out about. I am not so much worried about the classes as I am the Practicum I. This is the first semester of prac I and I have no clue what to expect. If you don’t know, this is where graduate counseling students essentially counsel an undergrad student. So, this will be the first time in a room with a stranger counseling them. Those is my cohort who work in social work already have some experience with this but not this exactly.

One reason why this is bothering me is because in counseling, they like for you to have a theory as guidance to go off of while counseling someone because of ethical reasons. I envy those in my group who just know what theirs is because I don’t. I have a few I like ad a few I know I don’t like. I need to narrow it down to just 1-2. This comes by knowing myself and what is natural for me to counsel by. And that scares me. On one hand I am like who really knows themselves because we can change. While change is good, for counselors and clients, this is still a fear when choosing a theory.

The advice I always give myself is ‘You have been through worse, you can do this!’ ‘Look at what you have already accomplished!’ ‘Don’t loose sight of the future and why you’re doing this.’ I have put motivational quotes inside my planner for the whole semester, so that random days I will get a quote. You never know when you might need one! Journaling is my other biggest thing when it comes to making it through graduate school. You need a place to get those thoughts out without venting to everyone you see, because let’s face it, that just puts a damper on the mood. When you are with other’s, try to not think about school for once and have fun!

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and it is okay to question it! I have many times. It is how you come out that tells all!

Leave me a comment and tell me if you go to school and alllll about it 🙂

Thank you for reading.

B

College Talk

Everyone has their own journey and here is mine. Uniqueness and all.

I actually dropped out of high school. Two months into my senior year. Never, ever, did I think that I would do that. I always said when other’s dropped out their senior year ‘They only had a few months left! What were they thinking?” Well, sometimes you shouldn’t judge things without putting yourself in their shoes. Seeing things from other’s perspective is key to gaining some insight as to what they are going through.

Side tracked-eeerk (those were my breaks)

There were many factors that contributed to this decision. I did graduate with my GED the same month my fellow classmates graduated. So, the fall of 2009 I went to my first semester of college. I had to take a few classes that were not worth any credits (remedial courses), but I made it through it. The next semester was harder, a lot harder. For being newly married, living on our own, working full time, and going to school full time was too much for me to handle. I ended up leaving with those lovely W’s on my transcript. And let me tell you, those stick with you until graduate school!

Fast forward to spring 2013 and I was back in college. I didn’t want to go back until I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I decided to major in Sociology/Psychology. It was a process that broke me out of my introverted shell. Don’t get me wrong, I am still very introverted, but I have grown to understand myself more than I ever thought I would. I graduated with my associates degree with highest honors in the fall of 2014. (yes, I was going through fertility stuff at the same time)

I transferred to a university in the spring of 2015, where I continued my education is Psychology. I had made a goal for myself to graduate with my bachelors by the time I was 25. My diploma has my birthday on it 🙂 ( May 7th) I busted my ass to complete this goal. I took max hours each semester to accomplish this goal and when I was done, I was ready to go as far as I could go, so I applied to graduate school.

I am going to start my 4th semester as a Clinical Mental Health Counseling student in graduate school at the same university I transferred to 3 years ago. It has definitely had its ups and downs! Have I contemplated quitting? Yes. A million times. A semester! I have questioned wether this is the right field for me, right program, or if I can even actually do this. I may not know the answer to those questions, but I do know that when I commit to something, I finish it. Setting goals and accomplishing those goals is life.

I will still question it and that is okay. We are always learning about ourselves. I have serious fears about the semester coming up. This is the semester I have Practicum I and I worry I am going to fail. Like disaster. I have wondered why they think we are ready to work with undergraduate students, but it all a part of the process. We have to record everything and then go for supervision. Which mostly means that every counseling session I have with an undergraduate student will be taped and then the professor and I will sit down and talk about what I could have done differently and why did I do this etc. These tapes will also be viewed by all of the faculty. (I need emojis!!! It would seriously make blogs so much better)

Anyways, this has me terrified because they can pretty much kick us out of the program at any time. I am not good in front of a camera (hence why I have a blog and why I don’t Vlog) plus, we may have practiced with other people in the program, but not actual people. That may sound weird but when counseling individuals there are many ethical requirements and knowing the person before hand is a big no no. So, this will be the first time walking into a room with someone I do not know and ‘counsel’ them. (Insert scared/shocked face)

I have often thought at times I was never going to get through that presentation or paper, and yet I did. Even though, the little voice inside wants to whine and say no I don’t think I can do this, I don’ wanna’. In reality I know I will persevere as I did with previous tasks that I thought I could not do before. So, wish me luck! I have 8 days left before school starts!

If you have any questions about college, counseling, or would like to share your college experience, please feel free to comment!

Thank you for reading.

B

 

 

Our Infertility Journey BP#2

If you read my previous post, you would have learned that I am in the process of starting treatment again. This time I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, although it may sound crazy, I feel as though I was more prepared and ready those years ago in comparison to now. Even though I am older now and stable in life, there is just this feeling. Part of me believes this feeling comes from not being able to get pregnant the first time.

I have a consultation appointment with a fertility specialist August 24th. This is a different doctor that I went to three years ago. I have no clue what to expect and that scares me. I have so far completed all the paperwork that is online and still need to have my past fertility records faxed over to the new doctor. While filling out the current paperwork, I felt nervous but in a different way than before. I often think this is because of being older this time. Even though there is not that many years between last time and this time, there is in maturity and experiences for sure. I was in undergraduate school with less than a year left and was hesitant in my knowledge but determined nonetheless.

This time, I am in graduate school and through this counseling program I have had to learn a lot about myself. This has made me very self-aware and question everything I do. Therefore, I am questioning this decision. My husband is completely for it and has wanted kids since we got married. Now, I have these worries about not being a good parent. For some reason I think I would have been a better parent in the mind state I was in those years ago. There is just something about being younger and the thought of having kids versus being older and thinking about having kids. I do enjoy our alone time together now but there is something missing sometimes.

Maybe this thought process is a defense mechanism of my brain. I think I go through all these thoughts because I  don’t want to think about what if it doesn’t work. On one hand I think watch it happen right off the bat, but in reality I’m scared because it has been 8 years of trying (with and without fertility treatments) and I worry that it may never happen.

I feel like to go to a fertility center, we need to have all our ducks in a row and have everything under control. Is that realistic, probably not. Would it make me feel better about everything, definitely yes.

My goal throughout this process is to keep this site updated, whether it is good outcomes or bad. I often times wish I could do a youtube channel, but that is simply not me (lol). I do, however, love to write in my journals. This time I am making my journal public. Even though no one will probably every read this, I’m hoping it will always be here for me to look back on to see the process and my thoughts throughout it.

We have chosen not to tell anyone that is close to us that we are going back to the doctor. We feel as if we have grown apart from our families. We also would like to keep the focus on us at this time. This may change. If I decide to share this blog on my social media pages then that would change. There are so many unknowns right now and I have so many random thoughts going through my mind. I am sorry in advance for these rambling post, I hope you forgive easily.

Another post will be coming soon.

Thank you for reading.

 

B

Our Infertility Journey BP#1

I have thoughts that consists of I probably should have done my marriage tab first, but this is what is going on currently in my life and would like to begin here. I will do a history of my marriage next and ultimately what lead up to this point!

First, I have to mention that our fertility journey begun back in October of 2014. My husband and I had been married for 5 years at this time and had been trying those five years. This was when I finally found a doctor who listened to me, instead of blaming my not getting pregnant on me being over weight. He is the best doctor I have had yet! We drove two hours to see him. He ran so many test the first day and called a week later to tell me the news. Part of me was relieved because we had answers and I wasn’t just crazy like previous doctors had told me,  then the other part of me was worried about what was going to come next.

He asked me if I had heard of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or better known as PCOS*. My reaction was yeah I had a good idea it was something, then it went to Oh my gosh I have this?! I had because of husband’s sister-in-law and from researching on the internet (because google knows all). He also mentioned that they tested my blood sugars and that they were high. So, I became officially diagnosed with Insulin Resistant and PCOS. This is when things began to change.

I started to eat better. I was taking two different medications. And the two hour drives became more frequent. I was taking Glumetza for my blood sugar. If I can remember from memory, I want to say 1,000 milligrams a day. I was also taking progesterone in order to have a cycle. I did this from October until December. Then 50 milligrams of Clomid was added to the cocktail. My cycles were being between 30 and 34 days. There was two cycles of this concoction. Then along with the previous medicine (progesterone and Glumetza) more Clomid was added. 100 milligrams to be exact. We did this for another two times with one month as a break.

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That break was very much needed. It was more emotionally draining than I thought it was going to be. I felt like I had to have the weight of this on my shoulders as well as be strong when it didn’t work. I felt like it was my fault or maybe I added the days wrong.

Or what if it was just not meant to be?

There are so many emotions that are going through you at this time. I know between the hormones I was on and everyday life, there were some days I was unsure if I could do this. We stuck with it until July 2015. That was when my husband was laid off and our good insurance went with it. We decided to take a break and focus on us, school, and our finances.

Here I am, two years later after stopping treatments, starting again.

Thank you for reading!

B

*If you are unaware of what PCOS is here is a good reference ->  HERE

How I’m Laying It All Out!

I decided to make separate pages for each of big part of my life. So, hopefully under each tab at the top will be the title to that portion of my life that I plan on sharing with you and hopefully it will help someone. My hopes are to find others who have gone through same situations or are going through it. We all need to be here for each other and I hope my page can serve as that. If you were to ask me I would not call myself inspirational or call this page that, but the more I am think about it I do hope it is that as well.

I do currently have a list of 4-5 ideas for tabs at the top. These are topics that I can talk a lot about from past or current experience. Instead of having one thread where everything is located on and you have to scroll through a million post about my marriage to get to my college post, I hope these tabs help! As of right now they consists of “All about my marriage”, this will host the good and bad with everything in between. I hope this is a place that other can relate and be a learning place. My second tab idea will consist of my journey through infertility. This might be my first tab as it is currently going on at this point in my life. Another important tab that will for sure be there will be my college experience and all my majors. I hope that anyone who is looking for information about either of these can find answers here or will comment to ask questions! I also have thoughts of doing a tab that is about my life in Oklahoma/gardening/animals like a mash up of this country girl! I think I will keep the main tab up for important updates and general information.

SCRATCH ALL OF THIS  WordPress will not allow me to add different blogs to the tabs. 

Thank you for reading!

B

First Blog Post…

No, I don’t have a plan or a list of what I am going to write about yet. So, this blog will just be ‘winged’. I love journals. I love to write in journals. I take that back, I love to express myself. My hands hurt to write the amount of words I would like to say and my brain thinks faster than my hands can write. Now, typing on the other hand I can do. I wish I could say that I had this blog planned with what I was going to write for a month, sadly that is not the case. I have many things going on in my life at one time right now and I found myself searching other sites such as Pinterest and youtube for quotes or people that have/are going through the same things I have. I like to relate to other things. We all feel better when can, even though we are capable of standing on our own two feet. Back to my story, I found myself wanting to get my journals back out and start writing but felt as though that was not going to be enough this time.

I am going to apologize first off if my post are random or not in order. I have thought about placing them in a categorical sequence if needed. For right now, I plan to write as things are happening or on my mind. I hope that is okay with you.

My first journey that I am going to talk about is one that I got my toes wet in before but this time I fear it is going to be more like my whole leg. (For those that know me might respond to that as ‘well, there isn’t much leg there’ Ha, the short jokes never end) Anyways, (Disclaimer: I. Get. Distracted.) I called yesterday to make a doctor’s appointment with the fertility center. This has been a long, tiring, journey. I have many feelings about this. I want to make a post solely about my fertility journey. I also want to make a post about my time in college, my current life, my past and growing up. I might even tell you about my four dogs and ten chickens, if you’re lucky.

Lastly, before I leave I would like to say tell you my hopes with this blog. I hope that it becomes a place where I can get my thoughts out (without hurting my hand). I hope that it will inspire others, whether that be in college, infertility, gardening, careers, or past trials and triumphs. I might talk about subjects that are not accepted worldwide. The most important thing to me is respect. I respect you and your thoughts, feelings, and experiences and I ask you do the same for others. If this blog encourages one human (or canine) to take that next step to chase their dreams, then I have accomplished what I came here to do. I hope others can relate and not feel alone. In the end, all we have is each other. And I hope to find others here whom I can share my story with and learn about theirs.

We have made it thus far, don’t stop now.

Thank you for reading.

B